is to have a car that works and nothing to go wrong ever. i want to be able to love someone and have them love me back. i want to just be happy and not get depressed. what i want is a fairytale. and i know im not gonna get it, atleast not right now, but maybe someday ill get my fairytale and i wont have to worry about all the horrible shit ive been through. but until that day im going to keep trusting and believing that God has something in store for me that will make all of this hardship worth it.

1: my life is falling to shit. and i feel so helpless to fix it.  

3: i miss him. i miss him so freaking much that i want to call him everyday. all day. i miss him so much that im going to talk to his crazy mom to get his address so i can talk to him.

2: i hate how i look and i would so love to change it but i know that i shouldnt. but i want to just because i hate not feeling like myself and just feeling so insecure about everything.

the more alone i feel. im glad that this week is over for sure. i worked 6 days straight. not too bad just very tiring. i really hate tonight.. i had an awful time and i need to talk to someone but everyone is asleep or gone or not talking to me.. so..yeah.. im alone for now.. but hey maybe he will call again tomorrow… i really wish i could talk to him more. he has a lot of insight and is all in all a good guy. ugh.. being alone sucks.. but doesnt..

ive got lots to do this week.. starting with laundry and calling a school im considering going to in the fall.. got to figure out everything that i need to do in order to transfer there. and see if my aunt will let me stay with her.. im sure she will but..who knows.. i need to move on with my life, and if moving back to my home town is the way to do it i will. cause im ready for a fresh start and a chance to make something of myself on my own.

for now i feel lost and somewhat always alone. im really hoping that will all change very soon, and that he will call.. heres to hoping both will occur.

staying positive and not mad about things and then i got pissed last night and ive been in a bad mood ever since. i hatet hat i have to make myself be happy. that i actually have to try to be. shouldnt i just be happy? shouldnt i be able to make sense of everything and be capable of moving on with my life? but instead i tend to get mad and then im miserable for a few days..

the only good to come of today was that he called. we talked for about 3 minutes about nothing really but it was awesome that he called. ill take 3minutes over 40 seconds any day. he called and seemed to be doing well. it was awkward though.. i really hope he calls again.. or maybe he’ll write to me. i want to tell him everything, but i dont think he could understand why.. i dont think anyone could.. atleast not now.

i have to figure out how or why i feel so alone.. cause as i feel more and more alone i get mad more easily and when that happens i get sad and depressed. and then im miserable all over again. i wish i could stay happy and that i wouldnt have all these feelings of being alone. cause i know im not alone but when everyone that is around my age ignores me and doesnt make an attempt to talk to me i feel alone.

i was doing so good. but now im not so sure.. maybe i should go talk to a counselor or something.. work through some of my issues??

i called him. i left a message. and im hoping and waiting to see if i get a letter. cause i know he cant call me, but a letter would be nice. and besides ive always wanted a pen pal.
im so hoping for good things. im liking my second job, and im trying to be positive about everything. ive got to plan my next semester at school and then ill be ready for another step towards my future. im starting to realize childhood is a thing to be missed, yet when we are young we are in a hurry to grow up. its funny to imagine anyone wanting to be the age they are not change.

terrible. and its always after i talk to him. i text him and flirt with him even though i know its useless, he’ll never leave her. but yet i wish he would. that way when im talking to him and flirting i wont feel so bad.
i guess what i really want is to just be able to talk to caleb. i miss simply talking to someone who i know wont hurt me. and who is actually good for me. the one thing i want to do is call him and leave a message telling him how i feel but if i were to do that i dont know how well itd all end up. the difficult thing is when you havent seen the person you care about most in 8 years, yet you talk to them like no time has passed. thats the most difficult thing, mainly because you dont know if the other person feels the same way that you do. but i guess thats just how it goes when you truly like someone far away.